Fear + Suffering

“My heart is afraid that it will have to suffer,” the boy told the alchemist one night as they looked up at the moonless sky.” Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams.”

– The Alchemist

Hybrid Fitness

There are way too many fitness trends out there and not anyone of them can do the job for you alone.

P90X, yoga, adventure racing, crossfit, circuit training, pilates…which do I choose?

I choose them all, or a mixture of them.

Like writing code in Ruby on Rails, you can take the best parts and move them around to fit for the best results.

That way I can create my own all-inclusive workout program.

Would also like to find a team sport to participate in too. Something that will take me back to my youth when I spent all day outside.

Which reminds me of Calvinball of course…

Calvinball1 (1)





I declare from here on out that I will never again take advantage of the all-you-can-eat BBQ rib night.

Why do I do this to myself?

After gorging on smoked meat, I waddled to the grocery store and bought yogurt, fruit, veggies, nuts, quinoa, whole grain wheat bread and lean turkey for the week. I am purging.

No fructose corn syrup, no extra sugars, no trans fat.

If I do this right, I may not feel the need to overeat again.


Running Man

I am not a runner. Most of my experiences have been short bursts of pure speed but no real endurance. I’ve attempted to change this as I’ve gotten older these past few years but never stuck with it.

The problem has been my lungs and my knees. After a lot of wear and tear on my knees from high school football, the impact on my feet from running is a horrible experience.

I’ve reduced a lot of impact and injury thanks to good shoes and running on trails instead of pavement.

Still not sure how to break the 5-mile endurance barrier. At my best I’ve managed maybe 2.5 miles non-stop.


Note To Self

Am I in a mid life crisis?

I wanted a wife to love and build a family.

What is wrong?

Why so much doubt?

Who I am and who I wanted to be doesn’t jive with the person I’ve become

This isn’t a mid life crisis if I have had these questions and doubts for a long time now

uncertainty and ambivalent

What is it about me that is so contradicting to everyone else including myself?

How many people have I walked away from and not kept up with because of my fear of opening myself up to them?

Why don’t I care?

I am a husband and a father, where is my responsibility to them?

Why am I so alone and why do I keep fighting everything?

is it because I don’t accept situations that I think other people are wrong for accepting them? Why can I not accept them? What makes me right when I have been so wrong?

I made up and follow my own rules. It is easier to break or change them if they are mine. No accountability that way.

The first half of my life will not define the rest of it. My hesitation has been damaging to those around me and I accept responsibility for it

I got what I wanted but it was too much for me so I lost everything.

Maybe I did run away or maybe not. Maybe I left to find answers. Once I find the answers, can I go home?

Where is home?

Success vs Excuses

What is holding me back from achieving what I want to do? I’m not talking about excuses but legitimate reasons. If I am honest with myself I won’t need excuses anyway. Jim Kuukral has organized 13 reasons why we are not successful. I’ve turned it into a countdown. I won’t go into detail which ones apply to me. All I can say is that more than a few are very damning and I don’t like it. So, being forced to realize these reasons are accurate, I cannot ignore them and will work toward correcting them.

In the movie, The Empire Strikes Back, a young apprentice seeks the wisdom of a master. When given a task seemed impossible, Luke comments:

Luke: I’ll try.

Yoda: No try. Do or do not. There is no try.

Luke: I don’t believe it.

Yoda: That is why you fail.

The reasons why we are not successful:

13. Don’t believe

12. Don’t want it

11. Think small

10. Social B.S.

9. Waste time

8. “X” factor. I need “X”or I don’t have “X”.

7. “They”

6. No goals

5. Stop thinking

4. Negativity

3. Fear

2. Entitlement

1. Laziness


To: Me

I was recently reading an article about a hospice nurse that wrote down conversations with her dying patients and some of the things they wished they had done or would have chosen to do differently. Here are the top five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

I’ve read another book on life, choices and responsibilities. That we cannot blame others for the choices we make.

Notice how I am not talking about regret, but simply a desire to make a course correction and learn from the past.

One of the more memorable quotes of a very forgettable Star Trek movie:

Damn it, Bones, you’re a doctor. You know that pain and guilt can’t be taken away with a wave of a magic wand. They’re the things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are. If we lose them, we lose ourselves. I don’t want my pain taken away! I need my pain!

There are some choices and decisions that I would change, sure. I wish I didn’t have to experience some of the resulting trials as a result. I wish my family didn’t have to endure them with me.

But it is those situations that help me learn and grow to become a better person.